March, 2012- I borrowed this blog title from Dwight Schrute because I laughed out loud when he said it. Another reason is that it instantly made me think about my dad, husband and now 6th grader who would all tip their urologist too if he could get rid of their kidney stones quickly when they have them. I've never had a kidney stone but have seen those with them and don't care to join that club- you can keep my patch. It is a club, you know. My niece has now had a kidney stone or two, my brother-in-law has had just one, but it passed quickly, so he feels guilty complaining too much and just recently, my brother made an ER visit with his first one. Each time a new victim is mentioned, all the others who have walked that road before have the same expression and sound. It's a slight head turn with a wince and a muffled , "OOOO!" Every reaction, the same. Just the mere mention of the words "kidney stone" congers up instant memories of their own experience and excruciating pain with the tiny urinary beast.
The hubby had his first kidney stone the first year we were married. I woke up one morning and started getting ready for work. He was wandering around the house, I thought getting ready for work too. I finally noticed him doing a weird pacing thing and actually stopped to look at him. He was gray. Not his hair, he hadn't been married to me that long yet. I mean his face. And not just a little gray, but like going to pass out, no color in his lips gray. After much pondering (well OK, his mom and I pondered, he was just trying not to pass out), we decided an ER visit was in order.
Now here's a little tidbit that most people who know me might not believe. When I get nervous, I talk more than I usually do. I know, I know. You didn't think that was possible. Ha Ha Ha- you all are so funny. Now here's another little tidbit, and this one presented a problem. When my new hubby is lying in a hospital bed, very gray, rolling back and forth in pain, I get nervous. Now here's where the problem part of this comes in. A new hubby writhing in pain, and a nervous wife jabbering incessantly are a bad combination. You know what happens when you put those two things together? A normally nice, loving hubby might just pull himself up by the bed rails of his hospital bed, glare like some sort of creature from a horror flick at his still chattering wife and say, "Could you possibly shut up for a few minutes?" Oh no, he didn't?!?!? Oh yes, he did. Until that point, he had never said that to me and has never said it since, and oddly enough, he has so had reason to on more than one occasion. Again, I bet you can't believe that.
Now one would think that a new bride might realize the desperate situation her beloved was in and not really hold it against him that he was somewhat less than loving and pleasant at that moment. But that isn't necessarily always the case. Sometimes a young bride might think, "Well, you butthead. I hope that....." but then she can just stop thinking because in comes Jimmy. "What is Jimmy?" you might ask. Jimmy is a guy I like to call Kelly's revenge.
Jimmy was a nice looking flight nurse in a logo'd polo shirt and a pressed pair of khakis. However, Jimmy's clothing was not nearly as important as the white box he held in his hand. I knew what device of torture was housed in that box as soon as I saw it. All grumpy thoughts about my husband were washed away when Jimmy opened his box, and I saw a very large (actually confusingly large) catheter rolled neatly in the box. Oh my. Now I want to keep my G rating here, but I just have to say, I pondered on the size of that large catheter and had other size ponderings and well, things just didn't add up. I don't really know what all happened next because I quickly volunteered to wait in the hall. Lets review what happens when I'm nervous- I talk more, and lets review the size of that catheter- oddly large, and lets review the state that my husband was in and was about to be the recipient of this medical hose- in pain, lots and lots of pain. Well, you can only imagine how this already bad situation was going to get worse. Much worse. My marriage surviving one year was dependent on my getting into that hall and fast! I got into the hall and fast.
When it was all said and done, the hubby was diagnosed with a kidney stone, given heavy duty drugs and sent packing from his very expensive ER visit. As we walked out of the Emergency Room, I didn't dare ask what all happened in that room while I was in the hall. We were crossing the parking lot when the hubby finally spoke. Groggily, he sadly stated, "He never calls. He never writes." I was very confused and trying to understand my pitiful spouse. "What, Honey?" "Jimmy," he said, "After all we went through. He doesn't call. He doesn't write. I just feel so used." Now after all he'd been through, and all they had tried to drain out of him and as much as it cost, it seems only right that maybe they could have drained a little of the dork out of him, but apparently not.
So why in the world would I tell this story. I have absolutely no idea. But once again, I do have to give a shout out to God's timing because no matter the crazy situation, His timing is still in play. I say this because it was a little over a year later that the situation was reversed. I was lying in a hospital bed, rolling back and forth in some pain with the threat of strange objects being put in strange places, but in my case, it was in an effort to get out a 10 pound 8 oz baby instead of a tiny kidney stone (and yes, mentioning the size of a baby as compared to the size of a kidney stone is on purpose and a dig I make regularly to the hubby). My spouse doesn't get nervous and chattery but has a habit that is far worse and is with him always not just in stressful situations. He is typically in a constant state of cute. You know, cute in his own mind- cute comments and cute stand-up routines, even at the worst possible times, say for instance when his wife is trying to get his huge kid out of her laboring body. The scene was a little deja vue. I grabbed hold of the bed rails of my hospital bed, pulled myself up, glared at him, but instead of being as rude as he was during his dilemma, I simply said, "Do you remember the kidney stone and the ER?" That's all it took. "I'll shut up now, " he said part understandingly and partly just scared. I laid back down relieved to have made my point and now I could try and get some rest.... and then Dr. Samuel walked in with a white box in his hand.
Now I will go poke out my mind's eye.
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